A glance at the newsstand today:
"Go from friends to lovers without complications," offers Cosmpolitan, after which you can ask yourself "When should you sleep with him? (Finally, a straight answer!)." But of course, you'll want to be careful because "Warning: His sneaky ways might cause an LQ." That's why you should take "Cosmo shortcuts to looking taller, slimmer, and prettier." Not enough? Do you know how to do a proper 69? Are you too dry?
T3, "The World's No. 1 Gadget Magazine", but one wonders if they got there because of their gadgets or the barely clothed cheerleader. The cheerleader picture three quarters of the cover, while the gadgets are less than a tenth. Just what are they selling? And who are they selling it to?
"Sex deviants live among us!" screams FHM. Are they referring to the women who read Cosmopolitan? Or to the slinky sex kitten on the cover? Or the ladies who send in their confessions? Or perhaps to the readers of their own magazine? After all, "She titillates our fantasies once more!" Over in the next issue, last year's child star bares her butt and boobs in all their Photoshopped glory.
Speaking of former child stars, over at OK! a chubby Britney shows off her "New Bod" with the promise of "amazing sexy photos inside." Meanwhile, though, Britney's ex-BFFs (best friends forever, in case you didn't know -- clash as it might with the "ex") are in trouble! "Paris in jail and Lindsay arrested!"
Not okay with just OK!? You can try Yes! where Gretchen on the same page shows off her boy toy and her trophy millionaire. Then say hi to Hello! where Judy Ann is "feeling Beyonce and Pussycat Dolls."
The horror. The horror.
In contrast to all this, Entrepreneur is an oasis of sanity. "Do you have a strategy for profits?" they ask. At the same time, though, one can't help feeling like the underperforming underappreciated black sheep of the family with titles like: "The Philippines' 75 Most Admired Entrepreneurs." If they can do it, you can, too! Why can't you be more like them?
The result of which might play out like a Marie Claire. Marie Claire starts out demure: "When you'd rather not have sex," they muse with refreshing honesty. But like a deranged split-personality, they turn on you with sudden violence: "Kill yourself or your family will kill you!" before settling on middling neurosis with the challenge: "Can you live without a mirror for a week?" And once more, the schizophrenia kicks in: "Get great hair now!"
Down below, the newspapers express fears of a drought.
But it's already here.