Wednesday, November 08, 2006

"They Call Me Naughty Lola"

New book out, entitled The "London Review of Books" Personal Ads - A Reader

Being a British publication, this one is right up Madame Chiang's alley -- in fact, she was the first person I thought of when I read this Reuters wire in the Philippine Daily Inquirer this morning. But it's just too funny to pass up.
According to the wire report:
Taken together, the ads provide a curious kaleidoscopic view of Britain, its capital and the unusual lives of its denizens.

This one, in particular, had me in stifled giggles at Jollibee (where I get to read papers for free):
Woman, 32, needful of the finer things in life seeks stinking rich bloke, 80-100, Must be willing to fibrillate his ventricles when he becomes tiresome or bankrupt or both. Also interesting thirtysomethings for illicit, immoral affair to be conducted concurrently with the above.



A few others:

“Medication free after all these years! Join me (anxious, overweight, self-harming flautist, F, 34) for congratulatory drink (or seven) in side ward of nation’s finest.”

“Bald, short, fat and ugly male, 53 seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite.”

“67-year-old disaffiliated flaneur picking my toothless way through the urban sprawl, self-destructive, sliding toward pathos, jacked up on Viagra and on the lookout for a contortionist who plays the trumpet.”


Here's a somewhat touching one:
“You were reading the BBC in-house magazine on the Jubilee Line (12 November). I was coughing hot tea through my nostrils. Surely you can’t have forgotten? Write now to smitten, weak-kneed, severely burned, bumbling F (32, but normally I look younger). I’ll be quite a catch when my top lip has healed. And this brace isn’t forever.”


Some others, from a South African news site:

"They call me naughty Lola. Run-of-the-mill beardy physicist (M, 46)."

"I've divorced better men than you. And worn more expensive shoes than these. So don't think placing this ad is the biggest comedown I've ever had to make. Sensitive F, 34."

"List your ten favourite albums... I just want to know if there's anything worth keeping when we finally break up. Practical, forward thinking man, 35."

"Employed in publishing? Me too. Stay the hell away. Man on the inside seeks woman on the outside who likes milling around hospitals guessing the illnesses of out-patients. 30-35. Leeds."

"I like my women the way I like my kebab. Found by surprise after a drunken night out and covered in too much tahini. Before long I'll have discarded you on the pavement of life, but until then you're the perfect complement to a perfect evening. Man, 32, rarely produces winning metaphors."

"Your buying me dinner doesn't mean I'll have sex with you. I probably will have sex with you, though. Honesty not an issue with opportunistic male, 38."

"Not everyone appearing in this column is a deranged cross-dressing sociopath. Let me know if you find one and I'll strangle him with my bra. Man, 56."

"Are you Kate Bush? Write to obsessive man, 36. Note, people who aren't Kate Bush need not respond."

"Stroganoff. Boysenberry. Frangipani. Words with their origins in people's names. If your name has produced its own entry in the OED then I'll make love to you. If it hasn't, I probably will anyway, but I'll only want you for your body. Man of too few distractions, 32."

"Ploughing the loneliest furrow. Nineteen personal ads and counting. Only one reply. It was my mother telling me not to forget the bread on my way home from B&Q. Man, 51."

"Mature gentleman, 62, aged well, noble grey looks, fit and active, sound mind and unfazed by the fickle demands of modern society seeks...damn it, I have to pee again."

"Slut in the kitchen, chef in the bedroom. Woman with mixed priorities, 37, seeks man who can toss a good salad."

"Bald, short, fat and ugly male, 53, seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite."

"Romance is dead. So is my mother. Man, 42, inherited wealth.' - Ananova.com



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