Thursday, February 10, 2005

Flash Fiction: Antediluvian

I wanted to keep this under 55 words, but I had trouble cutting it down. So I just kept it as is.

"I swear, by Aton, if that old man keeps up that racket tonight, I'll kill him!" Belaam wrung his pudgy fingers to show just how he would do it.

"I wish you'd do something about that horrible smell from his animals!" Leela seconded with a pout.

"Luckily, neither has stopped the customers from coming, my dear." Leela's always managed to put him in a good mood. "They still line up for my number one attraction, after all."

"Are we expecting a busy night, Belaam? I'm always raring for some action." She flashed that suggestive smirk that had brought him so many shekels.

"Maybe not," Belaam muttered as he looked out the window. "Looks like we have some rain coming."



    "By Aton, if that old man keeps up that racket tonight, I'll kill him!"

    "And the animals stink!"

    "Still, can't keep the customers away from my number one attraction. Best belly dance in Ur!"

    "Think it'll be a busy night, Belaam? I'm always good for some action--and shekels."

    "Maybe not. Looks like rain coming."

  2. I hate to say this, Dominique, but Sacha's got you here. Boiling it down to the dialogue makes it flow better.

    That said, though, I'll admit that I don't understand exactly what's happening here...

  3. No worries, Sean, your criticism is always welcome. Yes, it does fall a little flat, and I think it's because I'm relying on some wordplay around the title to carry the story. Antediluvian literally means "before the flood."

    Sigh. Is this a case of "too smart for my own good?"

  4. Hehehe yeah i like sacha's version better too :P

    i never really could get the hang of these flash fiction things... sometimes i feel like just making an entry for Laughter the Best Medicine or something...

  5. Your story was putting a foot between the lines of a short story and flash fiction. Stepping to either side completely would've made your story much better, as Sacha demonstrated. :D